my Italian roots

It took a lot for me to get to where I am today. And I mean this literally, like literally, where I am today. I am currently typing this from a small table, near a large window, in a beautiful home in Poggio Nativo. This isn’t just any home, though. This is a home that my family now owns. I always knew that I was Italian and that I have family roots buried in this country. I wasn’t a part of those Italian roots, though, as that family was distanced from me (for reasons that I appreciate today). After finally meeting the Italian side of my family and learning a false idea of the culture and what it means to be Italian, I was out. I wanted out of the culture, out of my ancestry, out of my family. I thought, “if this is what being Italian means, I will just tell people I’m Polish and Irish.” 

One day, while living abroad in China, I got a crazy idea that I had to see through. I thought the only way that I can rid my mind of these false notions on Italian culture, is to be fully immersed in it. I can’t go for a short trip and I certainly can’t visit Rome and call it a day. I need to be immersed in this culture and learn it from the beginning. So I started scheming. 

I found a program that would allow me to live with an Italian family, get paid weekly, fed three meals a day, and teach their children English. As I was currently living in China as an English teacher, I thought this program sounded like a dream. I applied, was accepted, and quickly started looking into families. I shortly settled on Rome, as it is the heart of Italy and I would be able to travel far and wide from there. 

Fast forward to September 2019, only a few months after leaving China, I was approaching Logan Airport wondering if I made the right decision. I didn’t want to get there and meet people that reminded me of what I was running away from. I also didn’t want to get there and be surrounded by a culture that I previously fled. Regardless, I headed towards security and waved goodbye to my family.

The flight was the perfect amount of time to center myself and realize my goals for this adventure. I wanted to be Italian. I wanted to fully feel like an Italian woman, that appreciates the culture that half of her ancestors come from. I sat down, put my headphones in, listened to my favorite person (Dean Martin), and journaled out my intentions. This is what I wrote… 

• Rid myself of the prejudices that I currently hold;
• Feel proud of where half of me comes from;
• Become a strong Italian woman, unlike those in my family that have never step foot in the country;
• Let go of the expectations that held me back from this country for so long;
• Stop carrying my families wrongful ideas of the culture with me;
• Engage fully in the culture and learn every small aspect of it; and
• Accept that none of these things may happen, but be glad that I tried. 

I don’t want to bore you with the gritty details of me becoming who I am today, but, to summarize, I did succeed in all of those intentions. I rid my mind of the need to think that Italy is my family back in New York. I rid my mind of the need to associate Italian culture with misogyny. Most importantly, I rid my mind of the need to feel ashamed when I call myself Italian. 

I now know that many people use their culture or background to make excuses for the way they behave or the wrong they do to others. Italy is nothing at all like what my family made it out to be. For that, I am grateful that I will always hold this special bond to this country. I feel as though a piece of me is missing when I am not in Italy. I felt it before I knew what it meant. Now I know that a piece of me really is missing, as this country makes up half of who I am. 

During the pandemic, I was counting down the days until I could return to my “rightful” home. Fast forward to today and I am currently sitting in my actual family home in Italy. My parents could not have picked a better place for my love of Italy to grow. We are surrounded by the kind of neighbors that make you pulled pork on the 4th of July to celebrate the holiday with you. We are surrounded by the kind of neighbors that are patient with your learning Italian and let you practice and celebrate your small wins with the language. We are surrounded by the culture and immersed in the most beautiful parts of it. I now fully understand what it means to be Italian. I understand things that others will never understand, as they do not have my history, background, ancestry, or past thoughts.

While often I have deep thoughts of regrets for the time wasted feeling ashamed of this culture, I know now that I needed to have those thoughts to fully appreciate what I have now. What I have now is a deep appreciation for Italy, Italian people, and Italian culture. Ask me about my ancestry. I will tell you that I am proud to be Italian and I am looking forward to sharing this newfound love with anyone that will hear it.